Let’s take an imaginary trip to the grocery store... 

You overhear a mother speak sharply to her child in the next aisle over and think, “What a terrible parent.”  You stand in line behind someone who continually questions the cashier about sale prices and think, “What a cheapskate.”  You wait as the cashier slowly scans your items while carrying on a chatty conversation with the cashier in the next lane and think, “What a lazy employee.”

When judgments such as these come to mind, you can’t help but feel negative toward others.  Yes, these people may not seem to have been behaving at their best, but I’d like to challenge you to think a little differently about others this month.

The late Thomas Leonard, one of the pioneers of the coaching field, had the following perspective on others’ behavior: “People are doing their very, very best, even when they clearly are not.”  I love this way of thinking, both as a coach and as a social psychologist.  Although the imaginary people at the supermarket (including you) were exhibiting less than perfect behavior, it was the very, very best they could do at that moment in time.   

From this way of thinking, even if it doesn’t seem like people are doing their best, they actually are.  It may be that they’re not motivated to behave better at that moment; it may be that they’re not able to behave better at that moment; or it may be some combination of motivation and ability that is lacking.   

One of the fundamental principles of social psychology is that your behavior is determined by a combination of your disposition (your personality, character, values, and so on) and the situation you are in (the behavior of the people around you, the weather, your emotions, and so on).  The biggest mistake we make when judging other people’s behavior is that we overestimate the importance of dispositions and we underestimate the importance of situations.  That is, we tend to think people behave the way they do because of the type of people they are rather than the situations they’re in.   

So, for example, we may judge the mother in the next aisle over at the supermarket to be a “terrible parent” when we hear her speak sharply to her child.  However, if we knew the situation that caused her to speak the way she did (say, for example, she’s exhausted from caring for her ailing husband, and her child had just willfully knocked a dozen boxes of cookies off the shelf), we might not judge her as harshly.  She may not consider her behavior to be her very, very best, but given the situation she is in it may actually be the very, very best she can manage at that moment in time. 

When you allow that people actually are doing the very, very best they can at each moment in time, your attitudes about others soften.  As Thomas Leonard said when describing this perspective on others, “When you look at life this way, compassion, empathy and respect are the norm.”

Want to achieve your very, very best?

Call Lisa at (614) 262-8820 to arrange a complimentary coaching session or click here to send an email.  

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Life Navigation Coaching
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lisa@lifenavigationcoaching.com

www.lifenavigationcoaching.com

The Explorer is published monthly to inspire curious people – people who love to explore, discover, and learn – to go out and get what they want.  It is written by Lisa M. Evans, Ph.D., of Life Navigation Coaching, who coaches people to close the gap between where they are and where they want to be.

You can contact Lisa at (614) 262-8820 or by e-mail at lisa@lifenavigationcoaching.com.

Visit Life Navigation Coaching at www.lifenavigationcoaching.com to learn more about life coaching, Lisa, and opportunities for you.

You may use material from The Explorer in whole or in part, provided you include the complete attribution, including a live web site link and e-mail link.  Please inform me when and where the material will appear.  

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