The Explorer

Volume 2, Issue 8, August/September 2004

a Life Navigation Coaching publication 

Whoops

Since becoming a mother, I've ended up moving the publication date of The Explorer later and later each month.  It finally happened...an entire month slipped by, and you didn't hear from me.  This is a free publication, but delivering it to you each month is important to me.  So from here on out, you can expect to see it by the 10th of each month.  If it's not in your inbox by then, drop me a line or give me a call.

A cool breeze is drifting in as I sit here typing near an open window on this late summer night.  Fall is creeping in little by little. It'll definitely be here when you next hear from me.  In the meantime, enjoy every minute of the rest of the summer! 

Love and Joy,

Great Expectations

The past six months as a brand new mother have been more difficult than I anticipated.  In fact, some weeks have been downright hard.  As a coach who helps others create easier, more joy-filled lives, I have hesitated to admit this.  How can I coach others to live more easily and joyfully if I’m not doing it myself?  The truth is, I’ve struggled with how to balance being a new mother with being a coach. 

Why have I had such a hard time?  Let’s just say that my expectations regarding what new motherhood would be like differed a bit from the reality I experienced.  While pregnant, I made plans regarding how I would balance motherhood and coaching (while also being a fabulous wife, sister, daughter, and friend).  I decided that I would go back to full time coaching two weeks after my baby was born.  My office is in my home, so I figured that I could easily work with clients while my newborn took long morning and afternoon naps in his crib.  Makes sense, right?  (Any of you who are parents are probably laughing right now.) 

I knew I’d be a little tired from nighttime feedings, but I believed (based on a number of books that I’d read), that my newborn would be sleeping through the night by about eight weeks – twelve at the most.  Two or three months of getting up a few times in the night, then the baby would sleep for ten to twelve consecutive hours each night.  I’d be well rested, and I’d have plenty of productive hours in the evening. (Parents, please don’t fall off your chairs laughing.)

Now I, too, just shake my head and laugh.  When I’m feeling charitable toward myself, I describe the pregnant me as “optimistic.”  When I’m feeling less charitable, the word that comes to mind is “naïve.”  The fact is, although my son is a joy in many ways, he is not a marathon sleeper.  He simply doesn’t need as much sleep as I had imagined he would.  All of those free hours I was expecting have yet to materialize. 

I based my plans for my coaching business on pre-motherhood expectations that were far from my post-motherhood reality.  The problem is, I didn’t retool my plan based on the reality I was experiencing.  Instead, I felt that I had failed in some way for not being able to get back to full time coaching within two weeks.  I vividly remember sobbing when my son was two weeks old, distraught because I didn’t feel ready to go back to work and couldn’t even imagine how to do it. 

I decided to give myself until he was six weeks old, knowing that many women do go back to work after six weeks.  I have great respect for those women, because at six weeks I was again distraught, unable to figure out the logistics required to combine full-time motherhood and full-time coaching.  Once again, I blamed myself for not living up to my pre-motherhood expectations.  However, it still didn’t occur to me that the business plans that I had made prior to giving birth simply didn’t fit with the reality of actually having a newborn to mother. 

I’ve experienced other major life changes in the past, and with each change it seems to take me a while to realize that not only have my circumstances changed, my very self has changed as well.  The changes in me are often subtle and take time to appear, as if the new me is slowly unfolding like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis.  However, the time in between the life changing event and my realization that I have actually been profoundly changed is often fraught with difficulty.  During that time, I tend to hold onto my old expectations, trying desperately to make them fit with my new life, rather than letting go of the old expectations and creating new ones that do fit with my new life.

Holding on to an old life and old expectations creates difficulty.  Letting go of the old and welcoming in the new creates ease.  How well do your expectations fit you?  Are your plans, goals, and dreams based on the person you are now and the life you’re living now, or are they mired in the past – fitting better with the you of five, ten, or twenty years ago? 

If it’s been a while since you’ve taken stock of who you are and what you want in your life, take some time to do so.  You may find that your plans and goals fit you perfectly, or it may be time for a few revisions.  When your expectations fit the current you perfectly, they are great expectations, and they open you up to a much easier, more joy-filled life.

Ready to retool your expectations?

Want to learn more about life coaching?

© Copyright 2004  Lisa M. Evans, Ph.D.