The Explorer

Volume 2, Issue 9, October 2004

a Life Navigation Coaching publication 

Unexpected Roses

It’s early October, and two of the rosebushes in my garden have beautiful brand new blooms.  I don’t remember this happening in years past, so it feels like a very special treat.  What a great reminder that it’s never too late to stop and smell the roses.  This October marks the sixth anniversary of my father’s death.  It’s also never too early to stop and smell the roses.

Have a lovely autumn.

Love and Joy,

Do One Thing Differently

Have you ever driven home from work and realized once you were home that you didn’t remember any details about the drive?  Have you ever mixed up a batch of your favorite cookies and realized once you were ready to bake them that you couldn’t remember whether you added the baking powder?  Chances are there’s nothing wrong with your memory.  Instead, you were probably operating on automatic pilot. 

Many of our behaviors are so well practiced that we can do them without thinking.  They become what social psychologists call “automatic processes.”  These automatic processes are behaviors that require little or no conscious thought, attention, or mental effort.  They can be essential when it comes to the basics, like breathing.  They’re helpful when it comes to tasks like driving.  But automatic processes can become a problem when it comes to personal interactions.

After months or years or decades of interacting with our friends, family, co-workers and spouses, it’s easy to fall into repetitive interaction patterns.  When you know someone well, you may become pretty good at predicting what the other person will say or do in response to you.  And you may behave automatically in response, based on what you expect the other person to say or do rather than waiting to see what the other person actually says or does.

When you and your spouse are having your third argument of the month about money, for example, it’s easy to operate on automatic pilot.  You automatically fall into a familiar pattern: he says this, then I do this; he does this, then I say this. 

Ever wonder why those conversations don’t seem to get anywhere?  When your conversation is on automatic pilot, the ending is predictable.  You’re each playing your roles and reacting automatically to the other’s lines.  You’ll cycle through your well-practiced routine and eventually arrive at the same old outcome.  But because you’re in the middle of an automatic process, you and your conversation partner may not even realize what’s happening.  

So, what to do?  Albert Einstein said it best: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."  If you want to shake up your relationships (in a GOOD way) and get into deeper, more rewarding conversations and interactions, then you need to make a change.  The good news is that this is easy, once you become aware of the situation and yourself. 

Think of a repetitive interaction pattern from your own life.  Is there a particular conversation that you seem to have over and over with your best friend, your partner, a co-worker, or a family member?  Or, is there a particular topic that you tend to avoid discussing with this person?  (Avoiding an interaction can be an automatic process too.)  At the beginning of your next interaction with this person, ask yourself: “Does it feel like we’ve been here before?” “Are we headed down the same conversational path that led us astray the last time?” 

If your gut is telling you yes – that you’re about to engage in a repeat performance of your well-practiced routine – here’s what to do.  Stop.  Make a change.  To stop an automatic process, you simply need to do one thing differently.  If you usually withhold a particular thought, give voice to it.  If you usually express a particular frustration, don’t express it.  Change one thing about your typical interaction – whether it’s saying something you usually don’t say or not saying something you usually do say – and you will have interrupted the pattern. 

When you’re brave enough to break an old interaction pattern by doing one thing differently, you open yourself and your relationships up to more possibilities.  Your conversations become more valuable, your interactions become more rewarding, and your relationships become deeper and more satisfying.

Ready to try something different?

Want to learn more about life coaching?

© Copyright 2004  Lisa M. Evans, Ph.D.